


aqua terrarium

by tamanone



Category: Gintama
Genre: Backstory, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, M/M, Post-Canon, Reconciliation, Slight Canon Divergence, established joui4 poly, takasugi never d-worded, tatsuma-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:34:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27108826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tamanone/pseuds/tamanone
Summary: But you see, the reason he’s never told anyone about his past all this time is because he likes to pretend it doesn’t exist; he likes to think Sakamoto Tatsuma didn’t come into existence until he landed on that shore that fateful day and threw up on two of the three men he’d later befriend and eventually fall in love with.or: tatsuma steps foot again in tosa, and everything unravels.
Relationships: Katsura Kotarou/Sakamoto Tatsuma, Katsura Kotarou/Sakamoto Tatsuma/Sakata Gintoki/Takasugi Shinsuke, Mutsu & Sakamoto Tatsuma, Sakamoto Tatsuma & Original Male Character(s), Sakamoto Tatsuma/Sakata Gintoki, Sakamoto Tatsuma/Takasugi Shinsuke
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	aqua terrarium

**Author's Note:**

> fic title is from [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ui6p3-OcbP0), which i listened to on loop while i was writing this. chapter title is from [here](https://sunrisesongs.tumblr.com/post/126312721157/oh-but-why-did-god-give-us-fragile-hearts-and).
> 
> cw for emotional abuse & bullying in tatsuma's flashbacks. it's nothing severe nor explicit, but just to be safe.

_“_ Chichi-ue _,” he calls out with a barely concealed tremble in his voice that matches the tremble in his shoulders as he sits on his knees, “I have come to ask for your permission to join the war.”_

_His father turns away from today’s newspaper to look him in the eyes. It’s the first and only time he ever does so._

_“Very well,” his father’s voice has always been cold and steely, but now it reminds him of the sound a blade makes as it swings down; this is an execution, he belatedly realizes, and one of his own making. “You may go.”_

*

A knock on his door snaps him out of the dream, then comes Mutsu’s usual flat voice informing him that they will be landing soon. It takes him a moment to process where he is, disoriented from the dream-slash-memory. He feels a little nauseous and a whole lot exhausted, neither caused by his usual ‘seasickness.’

“You look horrible. Were you so excited that you couldn’t sleep?” Mutsu remarks upon his arrival at the control room.

“I guess so!” He tries to laugh his usual laugh and hopes it doesn’t sound as forced as it feels. If Mutsu notices anything, she doesn’t show it. She gave him a side-eye, sure, but that’s her usual reaction to his laugh.

“It’s probably useless for me to tell you this, but none of us are familiar with this region, so I’d rather not have you running around before the deal is done and make us look for you.”

“Don’t worry,” he grins, “I’ll be a good boy and stay put this time. Can’t be embarrassing my hometown now, can I?”

*

_His hair is too curly, and that’s weird. His limbs are too gangly, and that’s weird. His eyes are too big, and that’s weird. Weird, weird, weird, that’s always what the other kids call him. The boys would often go a step further and push him around; they used to take his allowance money (or as Tatsuma personally likes to call it ‘the only indication that his parents haven’t forgotten that he exists’) too, but they couldn’t do it anymore since he has simply stopped carrying any with him in retaliation. Thing is, Tatsuma can’t even fight back. Last time he did, someone told his parents and he got punished for it— for besmirching the Sakamoto name, his mother said._

*

His _geta_ sink into the sand with every step he takes, but Tatsuma knows that’s not the only reason he finds it hard to walk forward. He stubbornly refuses to take the wooden sandals off as he wobbles and even nearly trips at one point, until he reaches the pavement that will lead them into the town and his steps become steady again, complemented with the _geta_ ’s usual clacking noise. Last he was here, there was no paved road, nor were there stairs leading to the Ryuogu shrine, nor were a bunch of the shops that he just passed by. Somehow the differences comfort him a little—reminds him that he isn’t the only one that has changed, that walking into the town doesn’t mean walking into his old life.

 _It’ll be fine_ , he thinks to himself. _They’re only here for a weekend. Get in, get out. Avoid his old neighborhood. Don’t go anywhere near the school. Get in, get out._

He takes a deep breath.

“All right!” he claps his hands as he turns around, “who wants some _nabeyaki ramen_? My treat! Ahahahahaha!”

*

The negotiation was going well until the client—Hamada-san, owner of one of the most well-known tea brands from Tosa—received a call informing him of a family emergency, after which he immediately bolted out the door once he promised he would contact them later to set up another meeting. Mutsu crosses her arms and grumbles about the man being unprofessional until Tatsuma manages to persuade his secretary into telling them what the call was about. Turns out his daughter-in-law just went into labor and he wants to be present for the birth of his first grandchild. Mutsu quiets down after that, because despite her tough exterior, she is as much of a softie as he is. 

*

_Tatsuma has been fascinated by space for as long as he could remember. The sheer vastness of it, and how there is still so much of it that is unknown to mankind has him looking up in awe night after night, sometimes to the point where he would fall asleep leaning against the window instead of on his futon._

_But there is also the sea, which seems just as vast and unexplored. Katsurahama offers a stunning view, but it’s not exactly ideal for swimming, so aside from the fishermen and occasional tourists, barely anyone goes there on a regular basis. The kids who like to pick on him, for one, don't, and that makes it a perfect place for him to hide from them. He’d spend hours simply staring at the horizon where the sea and the sky meets and listening to the waves until the sun starts to set, his cue to run home so he can have enough time to shower before dinner is served._

*

Before, there was only a narrow dirt path leading to the Ryuogu shrine that stands on the top of the Katsurahama cliff, and when said path gets wet (which happens more often than not) it turns muddy and slippery; now, there are neat stone steps one can climb instead. Tatsuma has perfected the art of navigating the muddy, slippery path so that his clothes wouldn’t get dirty and get him in trouble with the maids in charge of laundry, but obviously that skill isn’t needed anymore. 

He has never been one to believe in deities, but he’s always liked this place; likes to come here and talk at the shrine as if Watatsumi was actually listening. He’s outgrown the talking at inanimate object part, but he still stands in front of it and gazes at its empty altar. It’s nighttime, so there’s not much else to look at, but he can hear the sound of waves crashing against the cliff, and that’s enough.

*

Mutsu steps out of her room as he rummages through all his pockets in search of his room key. His footsteps must’ve alerted her. “Where were you?”

“The shrine on the beach.” He answers straightforwardly. He doesn’t point out her accusative tone lest it makes her bristle.

Her eyebrows shot up at the word ‘shrine.’ “But you’re not religious.” 

“It’s just a cute little thing,” he says with a shrug, finally finding the key and opening the door, “plus the view is amazing. You should go check it out if you have the time.”

*

Hamada-san invites them out for dinner the next day, as apologies for cutting their meeting short. The fact that they are being treated to a _sawachi ryouri_ reinforces his hunch that the negotiation _is_ going favourably, and indeed by the time the plates are empty they have reached a deal. 

They move on to an izakaya afterwards to celebrate, a quaint hole-in-the-wall place. Tatsuma was planning on drinking, yes, but he intended to do it alone in his hotel room; at the same time he couldn’t turn the invitation down, so now here he is. Mutsu, clever woman that she is, found herself an escape route and immediately took the chance, citing that human drinking customs don't exactly apply to amantos. 

Though, now that he thinks about it, if he has to visit the region again in the future he **will** need a trustworthy bar, and this place sure seems to fit the bill, you can never go wrong with a recommendation from a native.

Then a man with an uncomfortably familiar face passes by him, and he freezes, hand on his sunglasses and all. When he turns to check, he finds the man already looking at him. Their expression mirrors each other.

“Sakamoto-san,” Hamada-san then calls out from inside the izakaya, snapping him out of his daze, “let’s go sit at the corner.”

“Uh— yeah, sure.” He puts his hand down and shoves it into his pockets, keeping his shades where it is. If that man is who he thinks he is, Tatsuma doesn’t want to give him the chance to recognize him.

The universe always seeks to balance everything out, he supposes, as _that man_ approaches them while Hamada-san was in the middle of telling him about his newborn granddaughter.

“Tatsuma...?” the voice is nice and deep and smooth, but it grates on his ears, “You are Tatsuma... right?”

Hamada-san’s eyes flit between the two of them. “Sakamoto-san, he a friend of yours?”

“Pardon my rudeness, sir, I’m Sakamoto Kouhei of _Kikyou Sake_ Brewery.” The man interjects before Tatsuma could even open his mouth. 

“Ehh, no way— _that_ Sakamoto Kouhei?” Hamada-san is already signaling at the waitress for another round of drinks, and so Tatsuma has no choice but to make room for the newcomer, “Sakamoto-san, why didn’t you tell me you’re related to _the_ Sakamoto family?”

“Well, we’re not close or anything—” Kouhei’s smile wavers slightly at that, and it fills his heart with a twisted sense of satisfaction “—and it would be shameless of me to use their name to boost my own reputation, wouldn’t you agree?”

From then on Hamada-san mostly converses with Kouhei, obviously trying to win his favor. Tatsuma gives his input when asked but otherwise chooses to stay silent and nurse his drink, lamenting the one hour he still has left before Mutsu will pick him up and give him an excuse to leave. 

*

_Sakamoto Tatsuma was born to a rich merchant family. But more importantly, Sakamoto Tatsuma was born to a couple of perfectionists for parents and the perfect child for a brother. Initially his purpose was to be the spare heir, but his brother has set the bar too high and he could never reach it, let alone surpass it, so his worth began decreasing in his parents’ eyes until it eventually dwindled into nothing, and from then on he’s practically invisible to them. They enroll him in school, they have him train in swordsmanship and archery, but they do not greet him good morning, they do not introduce him to their friends and associates, they do not ask why he sometimes arrives home with unexplainably scraped knees and bruised skin._

_As he steps onto the ship that will take him to the nearest battlefront, feeling very much like a sheep on its way to a slaughterhouse, he decides he will get the last laugh. His father, his mother, his brother — he will outlive them all. If they were hoping for him to die in the war, then he will do everything in his power to survive._

*

After one too many delayed responses to their questions and comments, Kouhei asks if Tatsuma is feeling unwell. _Just peachy_ , he wants to answer, curt and venomous, but he has an image to maintain in front of a client, and so he smiles. “Ah, seems like the jet lag hasn’t let me out of its clutches just yet.” 

Kouhei blinks once, twice. “Jet lag... from Edo...?”

“Not Edo!” tipsy Hamada-san must’ve found Kouhei’s question _so_ funny, hunched over the table wheezing with a hand over his belly, “Kouhei-san, did you not know? Tatsuma-san does business all over this _universe_! Currently he’s acting as a middleman for some amantos who want to stock up on my tea, isn’t that right Tatsuma-san?”

Tatsuma lets out an affirmative hum, “Their crown prince had some when he was visiting Edo and asked me to help him buy that specific brand in bulk, and it led me to Hamada-san here.”

“O-oh..” Kouhei replies simply in the end, even though his face shows that the explanation only breeds more questions instead of giving him clarity.

*

He’s never been more happy to see Mutsu than he was when she walks into the izakaya half an hour later. Tatsuma immediately stands up and excuses himself, telling Hamada-san how grateful he is for the dinner and the drinks, but he needs to leave early tomorrow. He walks as quickly as he can without it looking suspicious, pulling Mutsu along with him by the arm. 

Tatsuma can hear Kouhei calling after him. He’s a ways away but Tatsuma can hear him so clearly, from his voice to the sound of his footsteps. He slows to a stop and sighs as he steels his resolve. “Mutsu, I’ll see you back at the hotel.” 

She opens her mouth, no doubt to say his name in that chiding voice she always uses on him, but then sees the weariness in his eyes, the displeased curl on his lips, and so she relents. She knows better than to defy him when he looks like that.

“Why are you doing this?”

Kouhei seems taken aback by his scathing tone, and he takes advantage of the silence to continue, “I humored you back there because my client was present, but now that we’re alone I have no obligation to play nice with you anymore. Just what is your objective?”

“I simply want to— as your family—”

Oh now that’s _hilarious_ , if Tatsuma wasn’t furious he would’ve been on the ground laughing. As it is he can only manage a scoff, “I have never once thought of you as family.” He lets the words settle for a while, drinking in the sight of Kouhei’s crestfallen face, “And I’d appreciate it if you start doing the same.” 

*

_“You have the strength, but you lack elegance in your movements. Look at your brother and his form, learn from him.”_

_“Another close call with this exam... Sakamoto-kun, if you don’t put in more efforts, it’s going to trip you up one day. How about asking your brother to teach you?”_

_“Poor kid, I suppose his brother got all the good traits.”_

_“Useless boy. Why can’t you be more like your brother?”_

_“Your brother—”_

_“Your brother—”_

_“Your brother—”_

_“_ **_Your brother—_ ** _”_

*

He wakes up with an angry jolt, banging one fisted hand against the table like he was arguing with someone. But when his vision clears there’s nothing in front of him except the balcony, its opened glass doors bringing in the cool breeze and making him shiver. A quick glance at the clock reveals that it’s a little past 4, which means he didn’t even get three hours of sleep. He was hoping the alcohol would make him pass out for quite some time, too. He hasn’t slept well since the day before they departed, and the eyebags are getting harder and harder to hide.

He knows he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep now, so he gets up to sit on the balcony, this time properly keeping himself warm with the duvet over his shoulders, and takes slow drags from his electronic cigarette until a sliver of light begin to appear on the horizon. Then he takes a shower to get rid of the smell clinging to his skin and hair. 

*

They will not be leaving until a couple more hours, but he knows most of his crew are already up and about, doing final checkups on the ships and their inventory, not to mention the goods they just received from Hamada-san yesterday. Not for the first time, he is grateful to have such competent and efficient subordinates. He walks out of the hotel with his shades on, never mind that he looks like an asshole and that wearing sunglasses at 6 AM feels akin to walking through a forest at night; it’s better than having others noticing something’s wrong and start fussing over him. He just needs to hold out until they get out of earth’s atmosphere. If he can just get past that he will be back on his feet in no time. (If he can just get past that he can pretend he never saw his brother.)

*

He’s discussing their routes with one of the deck officers when someone from the engineering team approaches him. _A man is asking for you, captain_ , she says, _and he’s asking for you by name. He claims to be your brother_. 

He leads Kouhei away from the fleet, only stopping when he’s sure they’re out of earshot. In the early morning light, Tatsuma finally takes the time to look at him properly. Back then his brother cut such an imposing figure, standing tall and haughty as the pride of the family, but Tatsuma’s taller than him now, and there’s an unexplainable desperation on Kouhei’s face that doesn’t suit his oh so perfect features at all. 

_Pathetic_ , he thinks but has the courtesy to not say.

“So?” Kouhei looks surprised that Tatsuma addresses him first, not exactly jumping at his voice, but it’s a close thing. “I assume you must have a very important reason to come here after last night.”

“Right, well, I— you’ve said your piece last night, and now I believe it’s my turn.”

Tatsuma furrows his brows, teeth grinding in irritation. _You don’t get to have a say_ , he wants to snarl, _you don’t get to do this just because something doesn’t go your fucking way for once_. But he spots his subordinates stealing glances at them, and he doesn’t want to give them a single clue about what’s happening, so he stays quiet. Kouhei takes his silence as a permission to continue.

“I understand your perspective. It’s true that I never treated you like family before, but I want to do so, from now on. Please let me make it up to you. It doesn’t have to be right now, just... I ask you to keep the possibility open.”

Tatsuma blinks in confusion. He has half a mind to ask the man about what part of his behavior last night insinuated that he would be open to the idea, among other things. A much smaller part of his brain remarks that ‘cannot take a hint’ looks to be a genetic trait in this goddamn family, but he’s ignoring it. 

“Here’s my personal cell number, do contact me if you visit Tosa again. Or even Edo, really. And,” Kouhei presents to him a small card and an envelope, “from my daughter— your niece.”

 _That_ stuns him, his ire extinguished and replaced entirely by bewilderment. So many questions pop into his mind, he doesn’t even know where to start. His niece? How does she know of his existence? _Why_ does she know of his existence? And why would she write him a _letter_? 

In the end, he went with this: “you woke your daughter up at the crack of dawn and made her write a letter for someone she’s never even met?”

“Of course not,” Kouhei replies with a huff of laugh, “that’s from a few years ago, when she had an assignment to write about someone she really wants to meet.”

That... doesn’t really explain anything, but he gingerly takes the envelope anyway, slips it into his coat pocket, mildly wonders if it’s supposed to function as a guilt-tripper. He stops himself from chasing down that line of thought, though, and instead looks toward the sky and toward the sun that by now has fully risen. He so painfully longs to be up there, not here with his brother and his _geta_ that’s sinking into the sand.

“Is that all? My fleet needs to leave.” He says after a moment.

“Ah, yes, yes.” Kouhei glances at the sky as well before checking his wristwatch, seemingly just remembering that it’s a Monday morning and they both have work to attend to, “Have a safe journey. I look forward to hearing from you.”

Then Tatsuma walks away. He resolutely does not look back. 

(Later, he overhears a crew member saying that his brother didn’t take his eyes away from Kairinmaru, even after it’s off the ground.)

*

He doesn’t exactly remember what excuse he gave his subordinates, but Tatsuma retreats to his room not long after they took off. Now that the tension has left his body, the fatigue hits him like a freight train, and he collapses onto the edge of his bed, only managing to muster enough energy to crawl onto it properly and set aside his glasses before passing out.

The next thing he knows, Mutsu is knocking on his door again. No, actually, scratch that— she’s _banging_ on the door.

“What is it? Are we in some kind of trouble?” he drones, opening the door just enough for him to be able to see her.

“We’re here.”

“That’s literally impossible, Mutsu. The nearest rest area takes over a day to get to, and we haven’t even been flying for more than...” he squints at his bedside clock, “fuck, an hour?” 

“We’re not going to the rest area, we’ll get our spare fuel here and resume our journey tomorrow.”

“Where does ‘here’ even m—” then it clicks, and his blood turns cold. “Tell me you didn’t.”

But she simply walks away.

“Mutsu— No, Mutsu— Mutsu, please—” He scrambles to pull open the door and chase after her, “Mutsu, as captain I order you to stick to the original plan.”

Mutsu stops so suddenly that he nearly crashes onto her. The sudden braking is not doing his nausea any favor. 

“And as your second-in-command and your- your friend, I’m ordering you to take a day off. Now go wash your face and put on your stupid sunglasses.” Her expression isn’t only serious, it’s also tinged with something else— worry? Frustration? But she had turned around and continued walking before he could confirm it.

In any other instances, he would’ve teased her about she stumbled on the word _friend_ , but he’s too preoccupied being terrified of what he knows is waiting for him at the terminal.

*

Gintoki yawns while scratching his belly, looking like he’d rather be anywhere but here. For the first time in his life, Tatsuma echoes that sentiment. He would’ve tried to make a run for it, if Mutsu didn’t have a hand securely around his right elbow. 

She hands him off to Gintoki—literally, as she lets go of his arm only for him to take over—and returns to the ship without so much of a goodbye wave. Gintoki then drags him outside and flags them a taxi.

He immediately leans against the window once seated inside, leaning _away_ from Gintoki where usually wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to stick close to him. 

“Oi, oi, don’t fall asleep here you stupid perm-head, you know you’re too heavy for Gin-san to carry up the stairs by himself.”

“Says the other stupid perm-head.” He weakly throws back. 

“Cheeky, aren’t you? How ungrateful, and after all the trouble I went through to pick you up. Tch, kids these days...”

Eventually the cab drops them off in front of Otose’s bar. He feels more than sees Gintoki fishing his wallet out of his pocket before handing some bills to the driver. “Here you go. Keep the change.”

*

Gintoki slides open the door to an empty apartment. The dread within him only grows more and more heavy; if Gintoki told the kids to stay away from the office, then Mutsu must’ve said something about his situation.

He asks where they are anyway.

“With Otae.” Gintoki answers, confirming his fear, “Give me your jacket.”

“Ahahaha! Kintoki, undressing me already? How impatient~” with a playful grin he shrugs off his coat as instructed, acting as natural as possible as if to say _see, I’m fine, everything’s fine, we don’t have to do this_. But Gintoki isn’t buying it. Damn him for being attentive the one time Tatsuma doesn’t want him to.

“Tatsuma.” His tone is stern, leaving no room for argument, but it’s not unkind, “It’s just us here, you don’t have to keep up appearances.”

 _No, you don’t get it, Gintoki_ , he thinks but cannot say, _I have to keep up appearances exactly_ **_because_ ** _it’s you. I have to be strong for you, and Zura, and Shinsuke. That’s my role. I’m the guy you three rely on. If you take that away, I—_

But the longer Gintoki holds his gaze, the harder it is to maintain the façade, and his grin disappears to reveal the trembling, bitten lips. The face of an anxious child peeking out after decades of being hidden.

Gintoki gives him that small tender smile of his in return. “Come inside, I’ll make you some tea.” 

*

Gintoki actually made him tea—Tatsuma didn’t even know he had them, but that’s beside the point—and goes into his room to set up the futon. Tatsuma assumes this meant Mutsu told him Tatsuma hasn’t been sleeping well. Or maybe Gintoki just came to that conclusion on his own after seeing Tatsuma’s eye bags, who knows.

He holds the steaming mug close to his face and softly blows on the liquid until it reaches a temperature that won’t burn his tongue upon contact. He wanted to drink himself into another stupor, enough for him to wake up the next day believing that the whole thing with his brother was just some alcohol poisoning induced fever dream, then go back to work with a hangover and seasickness like normal, but this is... nice. Having tea warm up his body instead of liquor is nice. Certainly kinder to his organs, too.

Tatsuma lolls his head on the back of the chair, half-empty mug still in hand, and comes face to face with Gintoki.

“Go lie down over there once you finish the tea.” Gintoki tells him, gesturing to the futon with a tilt of his head.

“Can’t I just sleep here? I don’t wanna move.” Tatsuma replies, mock-lovingly patting the sofa.

“Your legs won’t fit, asshole. I’m trying to be nice here, don’t make me regret it.”

He pouts. “Then... can I use your lap as my pillow?”

Gintoki’s hands come up to pinch his cheeks. “You’re really pushing it now.”

Tatsuma laughs in response, his first sincere one in days, the sound slightly distorted as his cheeks are still being pulled.

Once his laughter dies down and Gintoki has let go of him, he asks, “hey, what did Mutsu tell you?”

“Just that you’re feeling down in the dumps, so she wants me to babysit you for the day.” Gintoki says, picking up the Jump comic from the table and plops down beside him, and that’s the end of the discussion. 

(In the end, Gintoki lets Tatsuma borrow his lap anyway.)

*

It's already dark outside when Tatsuma wakes up from his blissfully dreamless sleep. For some reason, he feels uncomfortably warm even though he’s not wearing his coat or his scarf. Then he discerned the three arms slung across his torso, and that makes him feel less uncomfortable. He does need to move and stretch his legs though.

But while Gintoki and Zura can sleep through anything short of an apocalypse, he knows Shinsuke never stopped being a light sleeper, and indeed once he managed to untangle the arms and sit himself up, there’s a soft rustling sound that follows. What he didn’t expect, however, is for Shinsuke to rest his head on his shoulder, nor for him to clutch onto the hem of Tatsuma’s shirtsleeve like a little kid.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” he whispers, which means it’s still closer to the average indoor voice volume for most people than their whisper one.

“Wasn’t really asleep to begin with.” Shinsuke drawls.

“Tatsuma,” Shinsuke starts after a moment, “I hate... how you can never seem to shut up. But I hate it even more when you _do_ shut up.”

“Ahahahaha, that doesn’t make any sense, Shinsuke.”

“I know,” he snaps without any bite behind it. Tatsuma can feel soft tugs as Shinsuke fiddles with his sleeve. “But you do understand... don’t you?”

After knowing the other for so long, Tatsuma has learned to read between the lines. The awkward yet earnest gesture makes him smile. “Yeah.”

Heart-to-heart talk out of the way, Shinsuke crawls to his front and moves to straddle him, both hands cupping Tatsuma’s face, then brings their lips together. Tatsuma lets him do it; Shinsuke has always been better at expressing his feelings with action rather than words.

The kiss is slow, different from his usual frantic ones, though definitely no less passionate. Shinsuke always kisses him like he’s trying to eat him alive, something Tatsuma noticed he doesn’t really do with the other two; it’s like he’s constantly in fear that Tatsuma will leave him, like he once did during the war. So this change is very noticable and peculiar.

Perhaps this time Shinsuke is the one reassuring him that he’s here to stay, come what may— Tatsuma’s mysterious past included.

(But you see, the reason he’s never told anyone about his past all this time is because he likes to pretend it doesn’t exist; he likes to think Sakamoto Tatsuma didn’t come into existence until he landed on that shore that fateful day and threw up on two of the three men he’d later befriend and eventually fall in love with. It’s easy. It’s comforting. And he’s so, _so_ afraid to shatter that easiness and comfort he’s lived with for the past two decades.)

They continue at it until Zura lets out a particularly loud snore, effectively ruining the mood. Shinsuke’s scowl causes Tatsuma to chuckle before giving him a quick peck on the lips and excusing himself to go to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. 

*

He notices his coat slung over the sofa on his walk back to Gintoki’s room, and inevitably his mind goes to the envelope sitting in its pocket. He supposes now is as good time as any to read it.

The letter turned out _not_ to be a letter, but a short piece of writing by one Sakamoto Seishin about her uncle and how much she admires him and wants to meet him someday. It’s written in a legible but by no means tidy font typical of kids in their early years of elementary school. According to little Seishin, who stated that all information came solely from her father, Uncle Tatsuma is brave, good at swordsmanship and archery, and joined in the war to fight for what he believes is right. 

His fighting skills aside, Kouhei wouldn’t have known enough about him to safely make those claims. Now he sees that Kouhei has instilled some bullshit idealized version of Tatsuma in his daughter’s mind, enough for her to write about him the way her peers would write about some celebrity. And it still didn’t answer the question of why he bothered telling her about him, why he wanted Tatsuma back in the picture so much.

Inheritance money...? Impossible, his father sent him away in the hopes that he’d perish, and even after the _bakufu_ officially declared the war to be over, he never once tried to contact his family, therefore they had all the reasons to assume he died; this is assuming he was planning to leave him anything substantial in the first place. And whatever remaining doubts his brother could have should’ve dissolved after what Tatsuma said to him last night outside the izakaya.

It’s not that he wanted in on Kaientai’s profits either, he looked genuinely shocked to see Tatsuma, and even more so upon finding out Tatsuma owns a trading company of his own.

 _All that’s left is..._

He flips the paper around, scrutinizes the edges and the back. Flips it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, like some answer will come to him if he keeps doing it long enough. ‘When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.’ He remembers reading that somewhere, though not where he saw it or who said it. Should he believe it? Should he believe that, however dubious it sounds to him, his brother simply wants to reconcile with him?

It’s all so bizarre, Tatsuma spent his childhood years obsessing and chasing after his brother, and now it looks like his brother spends his adult years obsessing and chasing after him. This turn of events doesn’t make him as happy as he thought it would.

*

When he returns to the room, Gintoki is awake and already arguing with Shinsuke while Zura sits on the futon still, sleepily rubbing his no doubt dried up eyes. 

“What took you so long?” Shinsuke asks, ignoring Gintoki’s _I said put it out, bastard! This is a no smoking establishment!_ And then pointedly taking a slow drag from his _kiseru_ to annoy the man.

Tatsuma doesn’t answer him; instead, this is what he says as he takes a step forward: “You know, I saw my brother yesterday.”

They all sport a surprised expression, but Zura is the first and only one to verbally react, exclaiming “ _your—!_ ” before both Shinsuke and Gintoki shut him up with an elbow to the ribs. 

He kept his story brief, only mentioning things relevant to the situation at hand (“he was the golden child, so all of my parents’ time and attention went to him”, “he was neither mean nor friendly to me, we honestly didn’t get to see each other much since he’s so busy”, “basically, letting me join the war was a way for my father to disown me from the family without having to hurt his image”). He’s still not ready to reveal his past in its entirety, nor does he want to turn this into some pity party. Then he moves on to the request to keep in touch, the piece his niece wrote about him. He tells them he’s not sure what to do about all of it. Doesn’t even know how to feel about it. 

“Say,” Gintoki begins once the story settles, “why did you insist on going back to Tosa if you had such a bad relationship with it?”

“Frankly, I didn’t even know it was that bad until I got there.” Tatsuma scratches his head, slightly abashed, “And, well, the deal was too good to pass up...”

“So it was indeed your materialistic brain that got you into this mess.” Shinsuke sneers before walking up to him, “Tatsuma, let me ask you, what do you want out of this?”

Tatsuma blinks, confused. Shinsuke is still standing there looking down at him.

“Regardless of right and wrong, all that stuff. What do you _want_?”

“I,” he pauses. Something about their position reminds him of the act of supplication, a mortal looking up at their deity, and it makes him want to confess. “I want... for it to stop. The fear, the anxiety, everything. I don’t want to be haunted by it anymore.”

“Well, then you know what you have to do, don’t you?”

*

Their talk continues until Tatsuma’s stomach lets out an embarrassingly loud growl, reminding him that the last meal he ate was the breakfast he had in his hotel room.

Zura, the only one with competent cooking skills and therefore in charge of making food when they’re together, goes to stand up. “Sakamoto, help me with dinner.”

“Ehh, you’re asking the guy who just revealed his sad backstory?” he jokes. Truth be told he’s just feeling lazy.

Zura crosses his arms, “I do not trust those two in the kitchen. Tell me, do you think putting a knife in Takasugi’s hand is a good idea while Gintoki sits in the next room? Or do you trust Gintoki to not sneak in an extra amount of honey, making the curry super sweet?”

“...Fair point.” Says Tatsuma in the end, reluctantly getting up as well.

*

As they wait for the stock to simmer for some time before they can put in the curry roux, the two of them stand in silence with Gintoki and Shinsuke’s yet another argument as background noise. At least until he got fed up with Zura’s fidgeting and stolen nervous glances. 

“What is it?” He asks, leaning down slightly so he can catch Zura’s eyes directly.

Zura tries to play dumb, shaking his head and mumbling that he doesn’t know what Tatsuma’s talking about.

He steps closer, leaning closer, caging Zura against the kitchen counter. “You sure look like you have something to say.”

They engage in a staring contest until Zura caves in, biting his lips and looking away. “Did we... make you feel like you had no room to tell us?”

“Wow, there is so much vagueness in that question, Zura.”

“It’s not Zura—” he pauses, realizing it’s not the time to pull out the catchphrase, and sighs, “I meant, did our situation with Sensei make you feel like your own pain was unimportant?”

Tatsuma stills. He had pretty much expected the direction of the conversation, but not for it to be framed in such a way. “No, of course not,” Tatsuma snakes one arm around Zura’s waist, the other coming up to caress his hair, “I had already decided from the beginning that I was going to cast away my past. It wasn’t due to anything you guys did.”

Though, well, the stories he heard from them certainly didn’t help inspire him to change his mind about it. The three had no shortage of anecdotes about the mischief their younger selves were up to; their days at Shoka Sonjuku may be brief, but Tatsuma can see it was filled with warmth and happiness. He couldn’t in good conscience ruin the mood and tell them that he never had any friends growing up, that he felt isolated at school and even in his own house. But his lovers didn’t do anything wrong, and Tatsuma would never blame them for this. In fact, he appreciates how they never press him to talk about his past despite his rather obvious aversion to the topic.

“And now it’s come to bite you in the ass.” Zura mutters against his shoulder.

He grins. “And now it’s come to bite me in the ass.”

*

The next morning, Mutsu arrives at Yorozuya Gin-chan just as Tatsuma finishes the last of his toast and coffee.

“Looking much better, captain.” She says in lieu of a greeting.

He can only laugh sheepishly, finally realizing all the troubles he’s put her through now that his head is clear again. “Sorry, Mutsu... and thanks.”

“I’m just doing my job.” Her expression barely changes, but he can see that her cheeks are tinged with pink.

“As my friend?” 

Her eyes widened, not having expected him to catch on, and mutters, “...in a way.”

He beams at that, throwing his arms around her shoulder. “Aww, Mutsu, I love you too!”

She stiffens, but relaxes a moment later. Her hand awkwardly pats him on the back. “Yeah, um, anyway, we’re running late.”

“Oh, right!” he exclaims, immediately letting go of her so he can give each of his lovers a parting kiss, which are reciprocated with varying degrees of enthusiasm, and then reminding Gintoki to drop his letter in the mailbox later. He’s decided to correspond with his brother and niece through letters for now, as the long interval between each message allows him to take it slow. He puts in the Yorozuya Gin-chan office as the return address, and Gintoki will keep the mail for him until he’s back from whatever business trip he’s on. He doesn’t know how this will go, but he’s cautiously optimistic. 

The bright sun and blue sky greets him as he steps outside. It’s a good day to fly.

**Author's Note:**

> notes, references, etc i guess:  
> -i really like the idea of tatsuma's ditziness and optimism as (mostly) a persona he consciously created, not because he's two-faced or anything, but because he'd rather be a person who makes people smile than the opposite; but on the inside he's capable of thinking some very cold and borderline cruel thoughts, especially when he's thrown into a situation like this  
> -ryoma's brother's name was gonpei (権平), in the usual gintama fashion i change the name slightly to kouhei (光平).  
> -ryoma's niece's name was harui but i found out about that after i wrote seishin into the story.......... i also kept the name i chose for narrative purpose. the 'shin' seishin (星辰) uses the same character as the 'tatsu' in tatsuma (辰馬), the name means stars / heavenly bodies, so she is named after tatsuma both in the literal (same kanji) and figurative (something he loves) sense  
> -[nabeyaki ramen](https://visitkochijapan.com/image/rendering/attraction_image/850/keep/1200?v=17bb6a1bded773970d2d22996ebef9ca5b651513) is kochi's specialty hot pot-style ramen that's served in a clay pot instead of a regular bowl  
> -[sawachi ryouri/sawachi platter](https://visitkochijapan.com/image/rendering/issue_paragraph_image/338/trim.1024/3/2?v=1d2dfdb1b6db369a55e1eea6d60e39c1d4da93e3) is a huge plate filled with sashimi, sushi, seared fish, and other side dishes. since it's a dish to be enjoyed by multiple people per portion, it's supposed to represent the friendliness of the people of tosa/kochi, hence tatsuma having a good feeling about the deal because of it  
> -look at this [small ryuogu shrine](https://en.japantravel.com/photo/poi-412-214625/800!/kochi-katsurahama-beach-214625.jpg) on the katsurahama cliff, it's so cute and i'm obsessed with it. it's dedicated to ryuujin/watatsumi, the sea god who takes the form of—you guessed it—a dragon  
> -[apparently tea from kochi has a mild flavor and isn't bitter](https://www.jetro.go.jp/jetro/japan/kochi/data/kochi-products-eng.pdf)? which i imagine many would love, amantos included  
> -kikyou means chinese bellflower. i can't find info on the irl sakamoto clan sake brewery name so i name it after the symbol of their family crest instead  
> -tatsuma learning kyudo is my personal hc, simply bc its sexy, but it would also explains his excellent aim w his pistol (i can't imagine him having time to learn how to learn to aim from scratch, but if he already knows that then it's just a matter of getting used to the tool)
> 
> if you made it this far, thank you. here's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/tatsvma), [cc](https://curiouscat.me/tatsvma), and [tumblr](https://tamanone.tumblr.com/), come hmu! i'm always down to talk about tatsuma, joui4, and gintama in general.


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